"When I was 14, my dick was HUGE"

"Well, I have half a couch now."

"It's the right thing to do, ya know, pay for your electricity."

"Alex be my step-dad, check out my mom."

"EITHER GO BACK TO SALES OR MASSAGE MY BACK BOY."

"I love staring at families I don't belong to."

"THEY FINALLY SHUT MY POWER OFF, CAUSE I HAVEN'T PAID FOR IT FOR 10 MONTHS."

"GET WITH THE PROGRAM, I'M EATING YOGURT WITH A FORK!"

"You don't name your poops before you flush 'em? C'mon you guys!"

"I'M GONNA NAME MY FIRST BORN SON REEBOK."

"I made out with a cat, and my tongue's all raw now."

"I've been watching Dinosaurs" -On Hulu?- "No, I own the DVDs."